Depression Hurts

You're probably wondering why I'm talking about depression when this is a blog about books. I know, I find myself wondering why I've suddenly decided to do a post that paints me in a not so pretty light. One that shows me; flaws and all. I've made it no secret on The Lovely Books that reading is very emotional for me; and I've mentioned a time or two about my depression. I just never felt the need to openly talk about it without the cushion of book talk.  Life these past few years have been hard, to say the least. Lately though, all I feel like doing is sleeping. And reading. 

What's wrong with that, right? A lot. Do you want to know why? I have kids, three beautiful babies. They are the light in my world and I owe it to them to be better. My eyes were opened today in a way that hurt me deeply. See...I haven't been doing a good job of my duty as a mother. I'm there for my children physically but emotionally, I'm absent. It's not right and it's not fair to them. I don't want to be that kind of mom. I don't want them to grow up and be messed up in the head because they had a momma who couldn't fight to be better. I want to be better...God, that's all I want. 

I want to kick depressions ass but I just don't know how. I can remember back in high school the moment I started going downhill. I met this boy; and before you ask, yes it started with him. It might have even started before he even came into the picture. I used to be strong; I used to be smart; I used to be a girl that didn't put up with crap. At least not that much crap. I lost myself the moment I decided to have a boyfriend. He was...absolutely horrific - that's not an exaggeration. If you asked me back then what I felt for him, I would tell you I hated his guts yet I couldn't ever just fucking leave him. He was like a drug and I felt I needed to be near this boy at all times. 

It started out so well in the beginning. He was charming, sweet, and chased me because I didn't want anything to do with him at first. Things changed completely the moment I fell "in love" and gave myself in every way a girl can give herself to somebody. That's when I started noticing little things he would do... Such as slowly taking me away from my friends, getting possessive over me, saying things to belittle me... I thought it was all normal. That people that loved each other did those kind of things. The worse he treated me, the more I started to comply. My thoughts were on the lines of if I acted nicer, maybe he would too. You know the saying, "treat a girl like dirt and she sticks to you like mud." I hate that dumb saying, partly because it described me to a T.

I hated myself.  I hated how weak and dependent I became. I hated my life, I hated school, I hated softball, I even started hating my family and friends. Slowly, I started shrinking into myself until there was nothing left but despair and an absent heart. I started losing weight and lying, a lot. I lied about who I was hanging out with, I skipped school all the time. My teenage self didn't know it yet, but I was ruining my life more and more each and every day. Who was I? I'll tell you... I was a worthless, no good loser who was not a good person. I listen to that voice that tells me I can't; so I don't. 

It wasn't until one awful day that said boyfriend was supposed to bring me lunch and he was fifteen-twenty minutes late. I was beyond pissed. When he finally came, all he brought were crackers... So I told him that I would just see him later and that I needed to get to class. Only he wouldn't let me. I stepped out of the car and made my way back to the school before the bell rang when I heard a car door shut. Next thing I know, I feel myself being picked up and thrown into the car and having the door slam shut in my face. My heartbeat picked up and I can't tell you how scared I was in that moment. What was he going to do? Would he hit me? We didn't ever find out because then the security guard followed by a police officer start walking towards us; it was terrifying. I wasn't one to get in trouble, ever. Unless it involved him that is. 

Once I was out of the car the cop took me to the counselors office and rounded up an administrator. They had a long talk with me about domestic abuse...that they'd been seeing him bullying me in the lunch room and around the halls when no one was looking. Only there were people looking, I guess. 

I cried and cried because what else was I supposed to do? He was kicked off school property and never allowed back. Me? I was more broken than ever... I started thinking about all the times he would send me nasty emails that made me cry and made me feel like I was worthless. You get told that your worthless enough, you start believing it. He played on my emotions and seemed to get off on my vulnerable state. Emotional and verbal abuse is just as real as physical abuse. The only difference is that these types of scars never really go away. 

I'd like to say that everything ended with him but then I'd be lying. He was someone I couldn't get rid of no matter how bad he treated me. In the end, I not only lost all my dignity and self respect, but I lost all my friends. And in the process I lost any chance of ever becoming who, at the time, I thought I was meant to be. Instead, I was so alone, with no one to turn to. No one to help me with the pain I didn't quite understand at such a young age. 

I don't like who I was back then and  I still dream about him only not in the way one might think. I don't ever love or hate him in my dreams; what I feel is most is guilt. The person I was back then, I hate her. I hate her so much for being such a fucking weak girl. I hate her because she couldn't tell a stupid asshole loser to go fuck himself! Why?! Why did I let myself do the things I did? All because I thought it would make him love me more? Stupid, stupid girl. 

Eventually, I was able to move on but my depression never got better; it got worse. Which brings me to here and now. The pain I feel on a daily basis is not something I'd wish on anyone. It's the type of pain that's unexplainable and invisible to the naked eye. People judge those who have depression not realizing that it's a chemical imbalance. They think depression is about crying all the time and being blue. Honestly, it is that but not all the time. There are days when I'm happy; genuinely happy. Days when I'm angry; and of course those days where I don't even want to get out of bed. It's freaking exhausting. 

I still have no idea why I felt the need to write any of this. It's not even close to being my whole story. I guess I just had to get it all off my chest in hopes that this is the first step to getting better. I want to get better and be better. No, I need to be better. For myself and my kids. I don't want to be a failure anymore... Today just really sucked.